Tag Archives: Reality TV

“Honey Boo Boo Child…!” “Sparkle, Baby!” “Luxuriate.”

All I can really say when watching TLCs guilty pleasure Toddlers and Tiaras is “Wow” and “Oh, my god.” Seriously. I find myself sitting in awe watching the television while anxious delusional mothers fill their children with caffeine before parading (or dragging) them around to live a life they never did or were able to. And here we sit watching every jaw-dropping episode. Shame on the parents? Perhaps shame on us. Nonetheless, it’s usually the first choice when scrolling through the list of DVR recordings. It is my guilty pleasure. You watch the Kardashians so don’t judge me.

The bottom line is very few of the featured toddlers have any chance of making it out past the pageant world that their parents (usually by the full force of the mothers) have placed them in. Fathers seem to stay clear for the most part. It also seems very few of the toddlers really enjoy doing it when it comes right down to it. So I guess it’s actually the moms that really enter the pageant. Because as you see in most of the shows it’s the spastic mother perched behind the judges doing the routine for the audience while facing their daughter who is on stage gazing out at her with deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and cluelessness that must be seen to believe.

Now, there are a handful of ones that the TLC show features who are fierce competitors for their age. But with that usually comes diva attitudes and alter egos that are truly encouraged by the moms which only build the infrastructure of the hell on heels these toddlers will grow into. Just saying. With millennium names like Mackenzie, Alaska and the breakout toddler now-retired at six forever Ultimate Grand Supreme Eden Wood who has her own show on Logo TV, these children are equally the non-traditional unrealistic youth their airbrushed glamour shots portray.

Of course, many viewers with critiques scream that it’s child abuse as the cameramen film the screaming babies and children not wanting to practice. And what about us who watch from our homes? Here’s what I think. I believe that babies are way too young to be in competition. If their child is unable to walk out alone on stage then she is too young and can’t make the decision for herself if she really wants to be there. If the child does’t want to be in pageants, they shouldn’t be. And, the mothers should be sitting down in their seat because the little one on stage needs to learn how to make it on their own because title holders are leaders not followers. Pageants can build self-esteem but at what cost? Creating living dolls dressed in the hooker outfit from Pretty Woman, not so much.

Personally I’m not a huge fan of what the girls call “the soda that tastes like candy” which of course is Red Bull. That seems like a favorite of the “kiddy crack” the parents pour into their children along with Pixie Stix, sugar packs, Mountain Dew and who knows what else. And with every rush comes the sugar crash afterwards which usually happens during crowning. However, those crowns are lovely! But does that compare to the tables of toys that are offered at the pageants for bribery gifts and blackmail encouragements for the contestants for jobs well done? Hmm. It all makes one ponder.

Unfortunately it seems that most of the families have nothing to their name other than the sparkly homage of crowns won and banners draped in one room of the house. When the cameras catch footage of in-home rehearsals the interiors are of wall panelling and are quite bare in need of attention from the financial flow that heads toward pricey pageant dresses thick with ruffles and bling, ratted-out hair bigger than Texas, manicured nails, travel, coaches, spray tans and fake teeth called “flippers.” I actually don’t mind flippers for what is known as “glitz” pageants because let’s face it that children lose teeth and they don’t always grow in perfectly. But taste levels need to be addressed. Glamour is key while gaudy horse teeth on a child is not.

And what about the Ultimate Grand Supreme Eden Wood and her quest for stardom outside the comfortable pageant world she once dominated while tearing through Manhattan with crazy stage mom in tow? Well, I haven’t watched one episode because I just can’t be and am not bothered. I try to not get caught up in the exploitation but here I am typing and sharing opinions about children. No Tea – No Shade. I really mean no harm, just concern for the sake of impressionable children.

But the previews that Logo TV cram down viewer’s throats show a struggling Eden as she auditions for people seeing past the glossy, animated 11×14 promos of painted adolescents that worked in the pageant arena. Perhaps it’s these eerie, possessed and unreal but necessary portraits, that add to the delusion the greatest. Someone must be quite the artist when airbrushing the humanity out of these little girl’s faces turning them into the image of a painted made-up  adult.

It is all quite twisted and here I am blogging over 950 words about it. Toddlers and Tiaras is outrageous and addictive. While some mother’s have their child adjusted by a chiropractor at age four others are proudly known as “the Tanning Lady allowing their five-year-old to go along and fake-and-bake in a tanning bed, too. And I continue to watch in admitted awe and verbally judge right along with the small-town adjudicators that have the main say in who bumps for a higher title and who only gets the dreaded divisional queen. That’s right, I watch the show. I know the way it works.